Smoking that is. I've been smoke free for 8 days and counting. I quit Dec. 13, 2009 at 7:30pm. It's hard. I haven't really had much withdrawal. But the habit is harder cause I was always smoking. When I was upset, happy, drinking. After I ate. The only salvaging fact is I only smoked in the car. I rarely smoked at home. So that makes things easier on me than the average smoker. I have the issues a person who smokes a cigarette a month or smokes for a week or two then quits for a year. Or a holiday drunk. Since you don't do it daily or heavily, you don't really feel that desperate to quit. If I wasn't trying to have a baby I'd probably never quit!! Basically it's ALL for the baby!! I'm not proud of it, but it's true.
Yesterday was the Solstice. I took a walk in the woods got in touch with nature. It wasn't intentional at all. DH was looking at a piece of property and wanted me to come along. I objected. I mean- it's the WOODS! Soft wet DEAD leaves. I hate stepping on wet ANYTHING. Well apparently it was time for this Christian/Wicca/Buddhist/Spiritualist to touch some nature. As we walked, through the annoyance I felt, I started to get more comfortable. And the woods felt... Peaceful. I believe if I'd been alone I could have got some real meditation done. :) Well when we left, I felt better. I kinda wanted to go back. I'm still not nature girl, but it wasn't so bad. I liked it. And at the time... I'd forgotten it was the Solstice. :) Just happened to be in the right place at the right time. Isn't that usually the way? The Universe puts you where you need to be. :)
Well, that's it. For now anyway. More as it unfolds. :)
Jen
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Seeking...
I've been thinking a lot about Wicca lately, and wondering why I left that path. Of course I know there is no ONE true path that is the end all I wonder why I left that one. I won't make this long and drawn out. I was just wondering. I've been on a Buddhist path, a Rastafari path- basically i've been everywhere, man. :)
Well anyway, I've recently gotten back NEAR my path of peace & love. Hubby & I started our little produce business. I love the work, but there are a few customers who try my patience. I mean my prices are almost GIVE AWAYS!! But they want it nearly free!! I'm like apparently I don't need to live. I don't have bills. So just please! Take ALL my product for FREE. I'll just go live in a rolled up newspaper behind MacDonalds. Long as you have your 70 oranges 4 $.50!! Fantastic! LoL!
BUT I guess my first lesson is my best lesson. People will be people. Give 'em an inch and they'll take that inch and tell you last time you gave me foot and now they want a mile. To get through life sane you have to give til it hurts... Then STOP. otherwise there is resentment. But when the evils of the world get you down, just stop... Breathe... And realize no matter how nasty others are, it does not define you. You have to chose to be angry & nasty and only hurt yourself in the end. Or be at peace... And just look at them with pity and damn near KILL they ass!! Because grimmy ass people don't know how to deal with quiet, smiling indifference. :)
blessings, with hands together. {{Thats right.. I said it at the end. :p }}
Jen
Well anyway, I've recently gotten back NEAR my path of peace & love. Hubby & I started our little produce business. I love the work, but there are a few customers who try my patience. I mean my prices are almost GIVE AWAYS!! But they want it nearly free!! I'm like apparently I don't need to live. I don't have bills. So just please! Take ALL my product for FREE. I'll just go live in a rolled up newspaper behind MacDonalds. Long as you have your 70 oranges 4 $.50!! Fantastic! LoL!
BUT I guess my first lesson is my best lesson. People will be people. Give 'em an inch and they'll take that inch and tell you last time you gave me foot and now they want a mile. To get through life sane you have to give til it hurts... Then STOP. otherwise there is resentment. But when the evils of the world get you down, just stop... Breathe... And realize no matter how nasty others are, it does not define you. You have to chose to be angry & nasty and only hurt yourself in the end. Or be at peace... And just look at them with pity and damn near KILL they ass!! Because grimmy ass people don't know how to deal with quiet, smiling indifference. :)
blessings, with hands together. {{Thats right.. I said it at the end. :p }}
Jen
Sunday, October 4, 2009
I tried to post it on my BeliefNet site, but it ain't iPhone friendly. So I had to paste it here... Enjoy!
Well a year has passed since I was here and not much has changed. I haven't lost weight. Infact I'm totally at my fattest! Well, not fattest EVER, but still. I'm still searching for that path and I get a little closer everyday. I have a long way to go, but I am hopeful. I feel a good start is first stopping the hatred in my soul. Changing the way I see things & stop others from pointlessly flaming about stuff. Venting is great, but not if you're sucking all the life outta the room. All the energy is wrapped up around your hateful rant. So I try to steer others clear of that and try to stay clear of it too. We're all human with emotions, but control and letting GO is the key to it all.
Now if I can just get over this stomachache. It's getting better, but it's still pretty bad.
If you don't mind reading mostly about babies and me trying to have one, you can follow me on Twitter. Just @BlackAngelP That'd be me. :p
BlackAngel
Well a year has passed since I was here and not much has changed. I haven't lost weight. Infact I'm totally at my fattest! Well, not fattest EVER, but still. I'm still searching for that path and I get a little closer everyday. I have a long way to go, but I am hopeful. I feel a good start is first stopping the hatred in my soul. Changing the way I see things & stop others from pointlessly flaming about stuff. Venting is great, but not if you're sucking all the life outta the room. All the energy is wrapped up around your hateful rant. So I try to steer others clear of that and try to stay clear of it too. We're all human with emotions, but control and letting GO is the key to it all.
Now if I can just get over this stomachache. It's getting better, but it's still pretty bad.
If you don't mind reading mostly about babies and me trying to have one, you can follow me on Twitter. Just @BlackAngelP That'd be me. :p
BlackAngel
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Weird...
It wasn't a big deal so I wasn't planning to even post.. But it got weird. So, in my renewed interest in listening to the Universe and knowing dreams can be very useful if properly decoded, I need to keep up with this. That and it they are just getting weird.
Night before last I had an Alice in Wonderland dream, with a slight twist. There's this show called Charmed and I watch it all the time so that explains some of it, plus i've studied Wicca for some time and DEEPLY believe in many mystical forces. Ok having said that, there was this.... BEING I guess would be the word, in my house. She could shape shift and was a bit of a prankster. Well I guess not PRANKS just messing with people. She had like a short brown bob and green eyes in human form. She hated the fact that she had to be kept a secret AND We had company WHO seemed to be looking for a scandel. Anyway, she changes into this big fat ass pink cat like the one in Alice. She starts smoking this cigarette or bong or SOMETHING and starts blowing these giant smoke rings across the room. Beautiful, but not good wen you're tryin to hide her ass!!! LoL! Well anyway I distract the visitors so the didn't see the giant pink smoking grinning cat, but then she changed. She wasn't evil really but she tried to destroy the two men. Like my spell wore off and she could "see" them now and kill them. I think I woke up before I could stop her or she could kill them. All in all it was a really cool, acid trip ass dream.
Last night I had a dream that I was a doctor in the hospital for some minor thing, bit several of us had a bad reaction to the medication and were wondering around high as HELL! They'd caught everyone except me and I was wil'in out!! I was wondering and hiding and taking allergy pills. Just goin' nuts!!! And that was fun. But the part that stood out was this girl. Kind of like the one from the Alice dream catches up to me and tells me to just "listen to the rain. You gotta just listen to the rain. " And I was like "Yeah man. You gotta just listen and let it guide you. " Amd she was on her way. Simple as that.
I kept dreaming after that.... Or before I forget which. LoL! But those were some acid trip quality dreams!! Wonder what I'll dream about tonight? Can't wait to see.
Jen
Night before last I had an Alice in Wonderland dream, with a slight twist. There's this show called Charmed and I watch it all the time so that explains some of it, plus i've studied Wicca for some time and DEEPLY believe in many mystical forces. Ok having said that, there was this.... BEING I guess would be the word, in my house. She could shape shift and was a bit of a prankster. Well I guess not PRANKS just messing with people. She had like a short brown bob and green eyes in human form. She hated the fact that she had to be kept a secret AND We had company WHO seemed to be looking for a scandel. Anyway, she changes into this big fat ass pink cat like the one in Alice. She starts smoking this cigarette or bong or SOMETHING and starts blowing these giant smoke rings across the room. Beautiful, but not good wen you're tryin to hide her ass!!! LoL! Well anyway I distract the visitors so the didn't see the giant pink smoking grinning cat, but then she changed. She wasn't evil really but she tried to destroy the two men. Like my spell wore off and she could "see" them now and kill them. I think I woke up before I could stop her or she could kill them. All in all it was a really cool, acid trip ass dream.
Last night I had a dream that I was a doctor in the hospital for some minor thing, bit several of us had a bad reaction to the medication and were wondering around high as HELL! They'd caught everyone except me and I was wil'in out!! I was wondering and hiding and taking allergy pills. Just goin' nuts!!! And that was fun. But the part that stood out was this girl. Kind of like the one from the Alice dream catches up to me and tells me to just "listen to the rain. You gotta just listen to the rain. " And I was like "Yeah man. You gotta just listen and let it guide you. " Amd she was on her way. Simple as that.
I kept dreaming after that.... Or before I forget which. LoL! But those were some acid trip quality dreams!! Wonder what I'll dream about tonight? Can't wait to see.
Jen
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
Feeling Pretty Good...
This won't be a long post. Just checking in to say I'm feeling pretty good. Still working out with the Turbo Jam. But today I couldn't get motivated. I still worked out, but it was like a chore. I have to go get my exercise equipment and get it here so I can have some variety in my workout. I get bored really easily with exercise shows.. Should have known that BEFORE I bought the system... But then that was in 2005, so I was stupid in many ways back then. O_O
Well, as I said not a long post. just a little easter egg I guess. ^_^
Tah.
Jen
Well, as I said not a long post. just a little easter egg I guess. ^_^
Tah.
Jen
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Turbo Jam
I started Turbo Jam Monday. I just tried it out Monday and officially started today. I'm trying to get in shape more than lose actual weight. Now I'm not relying on just the DVDs, I also bought a Bowflex and an elipical machine. I plan to plop em down right infront of the TV and work away!! The Bow Flex was mainly for hubby, but I plan to do a few reps myself, cause I've been getting a little weak. I gotta stay a strong chick ya know.
I decided to start using my Anucci scent in my hair again. I've loved it since I first bought it, but was on that coconut kick for a minute. But this relieves my stress and makes me feel good. Just takes me away. So I'll keep using it for a while..
Emotionally, I've been a wreck. I so badly want to get back to where I was about 2 years ago.. Maybe 2.5 years ago. I was losing weight. And I was so... At peace. So happy even with the things I wasn't happy with. I had ACCEPTANCE.. For the first time in my life. I truly accepted the things I could not change. I accepted the fact that other people were not my problem. And I couldn't change their minds.. That maybe they'll be terrible to me... But I had to decided everyday, to be good. That I could either be like them, or I could be on the side of good. And I chose good everyday I woke up to be good. Plain and simple. Hubby didn't really like the enlightened me. I was peaceful. Reserved. But I was telling him where he was going wrong. And I guess that rubbed him the wrong way. He thought I as being "high and mighty." His insult was callng me a "Priestess".. I didn't take offense. I am a Priestess, or at least I was studying to become one at one time. So I was cool with that. It was just that he thought that was an insult that told me to lay off him and his wrong doing. Then he got his wish to knock me off my "high horse". I won't go into details, but it was REALLY REALLY bad. And we had it out about it. And now, though we are still together. He brings it up anytime I have anything to say. And that gets old real fast. But I try to hold it together, but I've started lashing out lately. In some cases I have a right to. I'm human. I have feelings and emotions. But in a way, I don't because I did mess up. Bad. So I guess it's half and half. Sometimes I wish I had no emotions. No real feelings anyway. That way, they wouldn't get hurt.. And I wouldn't lash out and get fussed at or put in my place because of it.. I know, it's just a patch.. But you need a bandaid when you're trying to heal. Maybe I should practice being a bit less emotional. Learn to just let GO. If sometime upsets me, just breathe and bury that shit down as deep as I can. Unitl I'm in a good place and I can deal with them. I know that's not healthy, but it is FUNCTIONAL and that's what I need these days. To function.
So these are my exercises. I need to practice these things until they become second nature..
Know that people will hurt you. And they'll hurt each other. They'll hate each other and you. And do evil deeds..
But that has nothing to do with me. I choose to be good. And I will choose that path everyday when I wake up, and stand by it everyday when I go to bed.
That was the corner stone of my positivity, beleive it or not. Though it sounded negative, that took a LOT out of my hands and put blame where it was due. I did what I did, as did they.
Other people don't care how I'm feeling. They don't care if my feelings are hurt or if I'm pissed off at them. So why bother holding a grudge? I'd only be hurting myself, as they don't care one way or the other. If I hold anger, I'm just shortening my life and I'm the only one hurting. So just let that shit GO!
That was the second part.
This stuff sounds so negative.. But I was more positive than I'd been in my whole life. Then that bad stuff happened and it all went to shit. Well, it started going long before it hit the fan. It was like I just lost a little bit more of the happiness everyday. I really hate I did what I did. If I could go back in time.. I would not do it. I would run the other way. But I can' t go back. So all I can do is move on. Try to let the past be the past, though others will never leave your past in your past, but they want theirs buried. It's not fair, but I can't change that fact. If my past no longer bothers me, then it doesn't matter. And if anyone wants to hold on to it, well, I guess it makes them feel better.
Well, I guess that's it for now. Hopefully I'll have more to talk about next time. Oh and I lost a few inches. Well, not really... :p
Weight: 229
Measurements:
Bust: 42
Waist:38 (37.5 if I pull the tape tight. Still too big, I know.)
Hips: 48
Thighs: 26 (Not caring too much about the thights, but FYI, that's nearly the size I want my WAIST to be!!)
Tah.
Jen
I decided to start using my Anucci scent in my hair again. I've loved it since I first bought it, but was on that coconut kick for a minute. But this relieves my stress and makes me feel good. Just takes me away. So I'll keep using it for a while..
Emotionally, I've been a wreck. I so badly want to get back to where I was about 2 years ago.. Maybe 2.5 years ago. I was losing weight. And I was so... At peace. So happy even with the things I wasn't happy with. I had ACCEPTANCE.. For the first time in my life. I truly accepted the things I could not change. I accepted the fact that other people were not my problem. And I couldn't change their minds.. That maybe they'll be terrible to me... But I had to decided everyday, to be good. That I could either be like them, or I could be on the side of good. And I chose good everyday I woke up to be good. Plain and simple. Hubby didn't really like the enlightened me. I was peaceful. Reserved. But I was telling him where he was going wrong. And I guess that rubbed him the wrong way. He thought I as being "high and mighty." His insult was callng me a "Priestess".. I didn't take offense. I am a Priestess, or at least I was studying to become one at one time. So I was cool with that. It was just that he thought that was an insult that told me to lay off him and his wrong doing. Then he got his wish to knock me off my "high horse". I won't go into details, but it was REALLY REALLY bad. And we had it out about it. And now, though we are still together. He brings it up anytime I have anything to say. And that gets old real fast. But I try to hold it together, but I've started lashing out lately. In some cases I have a right to. I'm human. I have feelings and emotions. But in a way, I don't because I did mess up. Bad. So I guess it's half and half. Sometimes I wish I had no emotions. No real feelings anyway. That way, they wouldn't get hurt.. And I wouldn't lash out and get fussed at or put in my place because of it.. I know, it's just a patch.. But you need a bandaid when you're trying to heal. Maybe I should practice being a bit less emotional. Learn to just let GO. If sometime upsets me, just breathe and bury that shit down as deep as I can. Unitl I'm in a good place and I can deal with them. I know that's not healthy, but it is FUNCTIONAL and that's what I need these days. To function.
So these are my exercises. I need to practice these things until they become second nature..
Know that people will hurt you. And they'll hurt each other. They'll hate each other and you. And do evil deeds..
But that has nothing to do with me. I choose to be good. And I will choose that path everyday when I wake up, and stand by it everyday when I go to bed.
That was the corner stone of my positivity, beleive it or not. Though it sounded negative, that took a LOT out of my hands and put blame where it was due. I did what I did, as did they.
Other people don't care how I'm feeling. They don't care if my feelings are hurt or if I'm pissed off at them. So why bother holding a grudge? I'd only be hurting myself, as they don't care one way or the other. If I hold anger, I'm just shortening my life and I'm the only one hurting. So just let that shit GO!
That was the second part.
This stuff sounds so negative.. But I was more positive than I'd been in my whole life. Then that bad stuff happened and it all went to shit. Well, it started going long before it hit the fan. It was like I just lost a little bit more of the happiness everyday. I really hate I did what I did. If I could go back in time.. I would not do it. I would run the other way. But I can' t go back. So all I can do is move on. Try to let the past be the past, though others will never leave your past in your past, but they want theirs buried. It's not fair, but I can't change that fact. If my past no longer bothers me, then it doesn't matter. And if anyone wants to hold on to it, well, I guess it makes them feel better.
Well, I guess that's it for now. Hopefully I'll have more to talk about next time. Oh and I lost a few inches. Well, not really... :p
Weight: 229
Measurements:
Bust: 42
Waist:38 (37.5 if I pull the tape tight. Still too big, I know.)
Hips: 48
Thighs: 26 (Not caring too much about the thights, but FYI, that's nearly the size I want my WAIST to be!!)
Tah.
Jen
Friday, June 19, 2009
Zen. The first post.
My new blog. Nice isn't it? :) Here is where I will be posting about life changes. I already have a blog about my fertility issues, but some of them may work their way in here too. Just like things about my locks, as all these things are LIFE.. My life, and this is Zen in the Art of Living. :)
But right now the issue is my WEIGHT. I didn't think my weight would bother me so much again. I always knew there was a chance I'd gain it back, but it bothers me. The inflexibility. The fatigue. I get tired making the BED!! So yeah, this has to end!! I know the baby takes first place in my goals. Once I get pregnant, no more dieting obviously. But exercise is fine. Basically I need to just get healthy.
So today, if I can find my tape measurer, I will be taking my weight and some measurements, and recording them. (That's right, you get to see what a fat ass I really am. :p Enjoy!! ) This isn't a pressure situation, as I don't do very well in those types of deals, but I do need to lose at least 10lbs a month. I'd love more, but I'm not really a starver and I'm not a two hour working out kinda gal. So 10 will do. Every 10 helps. Hell, at 20lbs, that's about 10% of my body weight, so that automatically increases health and stamina. :) Both very good things.
My first major goal is getting below 200lbs. I'm sure I'm at about 230 now, so I'd say the first goal is... 190? yeah, that's a good goal.
Well, enough guessing.. Let's get that weight.
Weight: 230..
That's just 15lbs less than my HEAVIEST or 245- Well, it was actually 248 on one TERRIBLY dark day in my life.. My lightest was a sickly 119. (I'm 5'7" and BLACK.. OK, I had no business weighing 119.. But I have no business weighing 230 either!! LoL..)
Measurements:
Bust: 42
Waist:39
Hips:49
And just as a little easter egg, my thighs.... 28"!!!! Them some BIG thighs!! I mean, my waist use to be 28"!! That sucks, but I'm not gonna let it get me down. This has to be an encouragement. I mean, I didn't think I was morbidly obese, but I guess I am.. It's just spread out so evenly, I look like a regular heavy set person. But those measurements are entirely too big.. I guess when I moved up to stretch pants, that should have been my clue. O_O
So let's see if we can't knock that 40lbs off real quick. Well, not TOO quick, but pretty quick. I can't touch that 245 again. I said I'd never get that fat again, and dammit I will not.. (Of course if I get pregnant, I MIGHT, but they say you only have to gain 15lbs if you're obese, so if I can just knock off a good 20 before I get pregnant, that will be helpful. If not, I ain't putting the baby on hold, so be it. But I do need to at least knock that 20 off first. We'll see what comes first.. Weight loss.. Or baby.. (I'm hoping baby is getting fertilized NOW. :p )
This should be interesting. :)
But right now the issue is my WEIGHT. I didn't think my weight would bother me so much again. I always knew there was a chance I'd gain it back, but it bothers me. The inflexibility. The fatigue. I get tired making the BED!! So yeah, this has to end!! I know the baby takes first place in my goals. Once I get pregnant, no more dieting obviously. But exercise is fine. Basically I need to just get healthy.
So today, if I can find my tape measurer, I will be taking my weight and some measurements, and recording them. (That's right, you get to see what a fat ass I really am. :p Enjoy!! ) This isn't a pressure situation, as I don't do very well in those types of deals, but I do need to lose at least 10lbs a month. I'd love more, but I'm not really a starver and I'm not a two hour working out kinda gal. So 10 will do. Every 10 helps. Hell, at 20lbs, that's about 10% of my body weight, so that automatically increases health and stamina. :) Both very good things.
My first major goal is getting below 200lbs. I'm sure I'm at about 230 now, so I'd say the first goal is... 190? yeah, that's a good goal.
Well, enough guessing.. Let's get that weight.
Weight: 230..
That's just 15lbs less than my HEAVIEST or 245- Well, it was actually 248 on one TERRIBLY dark day in my life.. My lightest was a sickly 119. (I'm 5'7" and BLACK.. OK, I had no business weighing 119.. But I have no business weighing 230 either!! LoL..)
Measurements:
Bust: 42
Waist:39
Hips:49
And just as a little easter egg, my thighs.... 28"!!!! Them some BIG thighs!! I mean, my waist use to be 28"!! That sucks, but I'm not gonna let it get me down. This has to be an encouragement. I mean, I didn't think I was morbidly obese, but I guess I am.. It's just spread out so evenly, I look like a regular heavy set person. But those measurements are entirely too big.. I guess when I moved up to stretch pants, that should have been my clue. O_O
So let's see if we can't knock that 40lbs off real quick. Well, not TOO quick, but pretty quick. I can't touch that 245 again. I said I'd never get that fat again, and dammit I will not.. (Of course if I get pregnant, I MIGHT, but they say you only have to gain 15lbs if you're obese, so if I can just knock off a good 20 before I get pregnant, that will be helpful. If not, I ain't putting the baby on hold, so be it. But I do need to at least knock that 20 off first. We'll see what comes first.. Weight loss.. Or baby.. (I'm hoping baby is getting fertilized NOW. :p )
This should be interesting. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
