Thursday, July 2, 2009

Turbo Jam

I started Turbo Jam Monday. I just tried it out Monday and officially started today. I'm trying to get in shape more than lose actual weight. Now I'm not relying on just the DVDs, I also bought a Bowflex and an elipical machine. I plan to plop em down right infront of the TV and work away!! The Bow Flex was mainly for hubby, but I plan to do a few reps myself, cause I've been getting a little weak. I gotta stay a strong chick ya know.

I decided to start using my Anucci scent in my hair again. I've loved it since I first bought it, but was on that coconut kick for a minute. But this relieves my stress and makes me feel good. Just takes me away. So I'll keep using it for a while..

Emotionally, I've been a wreck. I so badly want to get back to where I was about 2 years ago.. Maybe 2.5 years ago. I was losing weight. And I was so... At peace. So happy even with the things I wasn't happy with. I had ACCEPTANCE.. For the first time in my life. I truly accepted the things I could not change. I accepted the fact that other people were not my problem. And I couldn't change their minds.. That maybe they'll be terrible to me... But I had to decided everyday, to be good. That I could either be like them, or I could be on the side of good. And I chose good everyday I woke up to be good. Plain and simple. Hubby didn't really like the enlightened me. I was peaceful. Reserved. But I was telling him where he was going wrong. And I guess that rubbed him the wrong way. He thought I as being "high and mighty." His insult was callng me a "Priestess".. I didn't take offense. I am a Priestess, or at least I was studying to become one at one time. So I was cool with that. It was just that he thought that was an insult that told me to lay off him and his wrong doing. Then he got his wish to knock me off my "high horse". I won't go into details, but it was REALLY REALLY bad. And we had it out about it. And now, though we are still together. He brings it up anytime I have anything to say. And that gets old real fast. But I try to hold it together, but I've started lashing out lately. In some cases I have a right to. I'm human. I have feelings and emotions. But in a way, I don't because I did mess up. Bad. So I guess it's half and half. Sometimes I wish I had no emotions. No real feelings anyway. That way, they wouldn't get hurt.. And I wouldn't lash out and get fussed at or put in my place because of it.. I know, it's just a patch.. But you need a bandaid when you're trying to heal. Maybe I should practice being a bit less emotional. Learn to just let GO. If sometime upsets me, just breathe and bury that shit down as deep as I can. Unitl I'm in a good place and I can deal with them. I know that's not healthy, but it is FUNCTIONAL and that's what I need these days. To function.

So these are my exercises. I need to practice these things until they become second nature..

Know that people will hurt you. And they'll hurt each other. They'll hate each other and you. And do evil deeds..

But that has nothing to do with me. I choose to be good. And I will choose that path everyday when I wake up, and stand by it everyday when I go to bed.

That was the corner stone of my positivity, beleive it or not. Though it sounded negative, that took a LOT out of my hands and put blame where it was due. I did what I did, as did they.

Other people don't care how I'm feeling. They don't care if my feelings are hurt or if I'm pissed off at them. So why bother holding a grudge? I'd only be hurting myself, as they don't care one way or the other. If I hold anger, I'm just shortening my life and I'm the only one hurting. So just let that shit GO!

That was the second part.

This stuff sounds so negative.. But I was more positive than I'd been in my whole life. Then that bad stuff happened and it all went to shit. Well, it started going long before it hit the fan. It was like I just lost a little bit more of the happiness everyday. I really hate I did what I did. If I could go back in time.. I would not do it. I would run the other way. But I can' t go back. So all I can do is move on. Try to let the past be the past, though others will never leave your past in your past, but they want theirs buried. It's not fair, but I can't change that fact. If my past no longer bothers me, then it doesn't matter. And if anyone wants to hold on to it, well, I guess it makes them feel better.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Hopefully I'll have more to talk about next time. Oh and I lost a few inches. Well, not really... :p

Weight: 229
Bust: 42
Waist:38 (37.5 if I pull the tape tight. Still too big, I know.)
Hips: 48
Thighs: 26 (Not caring too much about the thights, but FYI, that's nearly the size I want my WAIST to be!!)



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