Sometimes...

  Sometimes deeper thought is necessary. Even when things seem cut and dry. 

  This new job I have, it pays the bills. Which a job should do. If it didn't, who'd keep it, right? The pay is pretty good. But something just doesn't feel right. I mean, it's probably a great company with wonderful benefits and all that. But since I got here, I felt like a fish out of water. Like nothing is a fit. I just feel... Outside is the best word I can come up with. LoL! Nothing fits, nothing's comfortable. Even the equipment doesn't fit me! The hats are too small, the safety shields are a terrible fit... Things that everyone else can do fairly well, cause me pain.. There is getting use to it, but there is a point where you just have to say, "This is as good as it gets. So whatever comes next comes. " 

  I was so worked up about potentially getting passed up for a permanent position here before. But the more I see the more I realize that it's not that I'm not the same person I was the first time I came here- well, I have more experience and I am more cautious, so I guess I've changed a little- the issue is this place has changed. And not to the good. Constant tweaking has lead to an environment of "blame the other guy, just get it off of MY back!" And that leads to the same thing you have in the "lesser" companies. But with more soul crushing stress. 

Maybe I'm on the wrong side of the plant. They do have shipping here. I'd have to learn to drive a forklift, but that's something I want to do anyway. I don't have a problem with "rules", but this is just.... It's not "good stress". And the more I see, the less I worry about staying on. 

  And that is comforting. I actually feel BETTER in that mindset. I had expectations when I started working here. And I think I set myself up for disappointment. And I think that is a pattern in my life and why life has been so unfulfilling. Expectation can go two ways- you get what you want EXACTLY and you're happy and justified! God has smiled upon me!!! But more often than not you only get part of it, or it's not what you thought it would be, or more likely you don't get it at all. And then comes the soul-crushing depression! Making you hate you ever had hope. 

  Hope is nice, but expectation is the devil! You set yourself up on the ledge of a 100 story building and blindly walk that ledge. More than likely, you'll lose your footing and fall to your death!

  I'd never say lose "hope". But don't expect anything. Go through life with no expectations and you will never be disappointed. Hope for the best, but don't expect it. :)It's all a part of letting go of attachments. And that's what true peace is all about. Doing what you CAN, but letting life just happen. And accepting it. You can't control it. So, sit back and watch the show. :) 

Namaste. Peace and blessings be with you. _/|\_

~Jen