Thoughts..

As you may or may not know, I am completely loose haired now. I cut the last of the locs off last night. And I kinda botched the cut part.. I'm ok, and it's workable.. But my husband's reaction got me to thinking... (That's in my other blog here.)

Why kick a person when they're down? Lots of folks seem to enjoy doing it too.. I think I'm missing the point.. Or SOMETHING. I was just not born with a need to shoot a dead horse as it were. I mean, I'm not holier than THOU, as DH often puts it. But I do know that the right thing to do is try to make a person feel better when they are feeling down.. Not make them feel worse. Worst case scenerio, I'll help them come up with a solution while making what they are upset about not seem so bad.. That's the not only Christian/Muslim/Jewish- SPIRITUAL thing to do.. But the right thing to do. I mean, that's just what is SUPPOSED to be preprogrammed into our souls.. Into our very being to help a person in trouble.. But somewhere along the line, that became the stupid thing to do.. Let's just kick em when they're down. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

You see it all the time. A person who MAY have been high on the horse- or so you thought. Get's repremanded at work or loses their job, or home or car or whatever.. And people start being really mean to them about it. "That's what you get!" and "Serves her/him right." Now if the person was a jerk, it's still wrong to do that, but I feel ya.. I've been there. But never have I rubbed it in their faces when they are down. First I hate to see people cry. I hate to see suffering. Why in a world like this? I really don't know.. Good home training I guess. (Thanks Mom!)

Well, I am married to someone who loves to rub it in.. And I mean RUB IT IN DEEP.. Like, if you fell into a pool of lemon juice and broken glass as soon as you get out he'd sprinkle you with salt. Sometimes he borders on cruel.. At least with me.. Maybe he wants me to be tougher... No.... Because when I turn the tables (which I hate to do, but sometimes it does feel good when someone is really laying into you.) he gets mad.. So maybe he just wants me to use it on others.. Pass the pain. I can't... Sorry.. Maybe he wants to turn me away from others so I'll just turn to him... But when I do, if it's not what he wants to hear or talk about he gets mad... And makes me feel worse... So I just don't know.. Maybe he's been hurt so many times that he just has to hurt someone else.. And I'm the only one that won't bust a cap in his ass.. A safe place to pass pain..

Well, it's good he's getting his therapy.. But I'm suffering because of it. But then that really doesn't matter as long as he's happy I guess.. And in the end he's not happy either.. So why keep doing it. Maybe if he made me feel good, I'd make him feel great...

Which brings me to the lesson of the day, so to speak...

First don't say something because it's easy and obvious. Especially if it hurts others. Don't say mean things cause you can, or cause it will draw attention away from your flaws. In the end it just makes you look like an asshole.

If a person is feeling down, don't tell them how it's their fault that things are going wrong.. It doesn't help.

If your worse enemy loses their job, their home, their kids, their dog, husband/wife... Don't gloat. Justice has been served.. There's nothing left to be said. I have something I can pick on a few people about, but I don't. And I am not that awesome.. It just doesn't need to be told or said.

Think before you speak or act. Compassion should be your first goal. Not revenge. Before you seek revenge, consider this.. Just stay away from enemies.. Your hatred doesn't hurt them, it only hurts YOU.. And if it DOES hurt them... It's still just not worth the energy.

Be well, And blessed...


Jen

Mindfulness...

** Composed earlier.. Like 2 weeks ago. :)***


Everyone is wondering when there will be a Mini Angel. Not sure why, but everyone needs something to look forward to. Then again, these are MY coworkers. Pretty sure they just wanna see my "freedom" come to an end as theirs did years ago. Or want my baby to be ugly as homemade sin so they can talk about it. On the smaller end of that spectrum are the genuine well-wishers and ones who feel I should know the joy of motherhood. I thank them and pray the lord will bless them bountifully. :)

I haven't said anything to anyone about us trying to have a baby. I don't want to put that weakness out there. Not for these jackals. But occasionally I think they catch on that I really do want a child.... And occasionally they make comments that hurt. Like yesterday a coworker commented that my ability to and my lifting heavy things is why I can't have kids. I think she said it not meaning for it to hurt, as she's not really in the inner circle of.. Well I guess the INTERNET, that knows I'm currently TTC. The only face to face people who know is me, DH, and my sister right under me. DH is more if it happens it happens. I'm a WRECK. My sister is hopeful and supportive. 

Anyway, I joked off the comment with my ovaries being too strong or something. :p No one laughed really, but did seem relieved that I wasn't taking it too personally or started crying or anything awkward. But it shows just how easy it is to hurt your TTC friend's feelings just by joking and kidding around. Or your mentally challenged friend... Or your addict friend. Or your black or white or Indian (insert any race you like) friend. Or ANYONE'S for that matter. We need to be mindful of each others feelings. I know that's hard. I mess up too and say things that hurt. Like talking about a fat person (other than me) to a fat friend. Yeah, I've made that mistake. Mind you, I don't just go round talking bout overweight people- being one myself that would be asking for a flogging! But when one of my fat ass sisters or brothers pisses me off.. Well if it's right THERE. Shut up! You're gonna use it. Still I imagine she's like "Bitch, I'm fat too ya know...  And you ain't skinny either!!" LoL! So.. We've all gone there a time or two. But we should all work on thinking before we speak. Sure you may seem a little slow on the draw at first with all that thinking, but soon it will come naturally. 

These are changes I have to start working on as part of becoming a mom. I don't want my kid to be an insensitive jerk because his/her mother is an even BIGGER insensitive jerk!! That is not a good look. :p 

On the TTC front I asked my Dr. for something to regulate my cycle and the first thing he said was low dose birth control. I'm like if I wanted bc I could just do NOTHING. I know he was just trying to help. He's just a regular doctor after all not an ob/gyn. He gave me 2 months of Provera and a refill of my eczema medication, so I'm happy for now. I actually still have that clomid from before so if I wanted to give it the old college try again, I technically could. Nice to know I can just GO for it. But I'll save it a couple of cycles at least. I don't even know exactly where the pills ARE right now. So they have to be found and if you looked up pack rat in the dictionary there'd be a picture of me & DH smilin' like idiots. Probably be on the same page as a picture of me with the word "procrastinator" under it. So them pills prolly half way to NARNIA right now. :p But I will find them and we'll go from there. Who knows? I might be bakin' babies before this year's out!!! (Cross your fingers.... Cross 'eeeeeem...) 

Ok, I've rambled long enough. Be well everyone. I shall return.. :)

Jen

Life Changing Dream!!!

OK, not TOTALLY, but it was pretty powerful.

The dream began as watching a movie about a woman, her son, and husband. Well, for some reason, the dad was trying to kill the kid!! Well SOME how, the dream became about ME and some mystery guy in a red and white old pickup truck. I ran and ran, but he was always there. Finally he was at my house!! I got my "kid" out and we RAN! Screaming for help, but for some reason, no one could help me.

Finally some older men came out to help. As we walked away, the killer came out ofthe house with a gun intending to kill me. Why?!!! Well turns out I'd bought his old house that he'd gotten foreclosed on and he was very upset when they took it from him. All well and good, but now he was gonna kill ME! So I was running. Running and he was going to shoot me in the back. Suddenly the men told me to "Stop running!" I was like "WHAT! He's gonna kill me!!"

They said "Trust God to help you. Just pray... And believe. "

Wellit took some doing, but I did it. And the man stopped. And broke down into tears. I went back and had to hug him. And we both just CRIED. Faith had saved me. And him also.

I was so moved, I woke up crying!! That has never happened before.

So I say that to say this. If worries and fear has you running and getting nowhere, stop. Pray. And have faith. Let a higher power handle it. :)

Jen

Oh Geez, what's happened?

Well, I'm still a dreadlocked lady person, and it's almost 5 years now!!! The 27th of August will be 5 years. My locks are getting pretty long now, and i have a job that requires me to wear a hair net.. But wait, there's more.. These hair nets are TINY! I have to put on like THREE which the cheap bastards make us pay for.. Well, it's OK, they are just 0.02 a piece, so.. But I'm totally cheap. LoL!

I've been using Suave Humicant shampoo and conditioner. It's totally cheap and works well, PLUS It smells great. :p Wonderful..

Ugh, I'm pressed for time, so this is gonna be so damn brief it's rediculous.

Ummm.. NO kiddies yet. I'm back to not preventing, and it may be that way until I'm just old and barren. Sure I still want a Mini Angel, but I guess it may just not be meant to be. Ugh... The BRIEFNESS!!!!!!!


I'm still smokefree! 8 months and counting. Wonderful.. Wonder when the smoking dreams go away. Weed is not included in my quit, however.. HOWEVER, I'm not smoked the chronic in quite some years. LoL! But if I could get it, I'd be all over that.. :p

Well that's all for now. Gotta go. :D

Jen

I Quit!!!

Smoking that is. I've been smoke free for 8 days and counting. I quit Dec. 13, 2009 at 7:30pm. It's hard. I haven't really had much withdrawal. But the habit is harder cause I was always smoking. When I was upset, happy, drinking. After I ate. The only salvaging fact is I only smoked in the car. I rarely smoked at home. So that makes things easier on me than the average smoker. I have the issues a person who smokes a cigarette a month or smokes for a week or two then quits for a year. Or a holiday drunk. Since you don't do it daily or heavily, you don't really feel that desperate to quit. If I wasn't trying to have a baby I'd probably never quit!! Basically it's ALL for the baby!! I'm not proud of it, but it's true.

Yesterday was the Solstice. I took a walk in the woods got in touch with nature. It wasn't intentional at all. DH was looking at a piece of property and wanted me to come along. I objected. I mean- it's the WOODS! Soft wet DEAD leaves. I hate stepping on wet ANYTHING. Well apparently it was time for this Christian/Wicca/Buddhist/Spiritualist to touch some nature. As we walked, through the annoyance I felt, I started to get more comfortable. And the woods felt... Peaceful. I believe if I'd been alone I could have got some real meditation done. :) Well when we left, I felt better. I kinda wanted to go back. I'm still not nature girl, but it wasn't so bad. I liked it. And at the time... I'd forgotten it was the Solstice. :) Just happened to be in the right place at the right time. Isn't that usually the way? The Universe puts you where you need to be. :)

Well, that's it. For now anyway. More as it unfolds. :)


Jen

Seeking...

I've been thinking a lot about Wicca lately, and wondering why I left that path. Of course I know there is no ONE true path that is the end all I wonder why I left that one. I won't make this long and drawn out. I was just wondering. I've been on a Buddhist path, a Rastafari path- basically i've been everywhere, man. :)

Well anyway, I've recently gotten back NEAR my path of peace & love. Hubby & I started our little produce business. I love the work, but there are a few customers who try my patience. I mean my prices are almost GIVE AWAYS!! But they want it nearly free!! I'm like apparently I don't need to live. I don't have bills. So just please! Take ALL my product for FREE. I'll just go live in a rolled up newspaper behind MacDonalds. Long as you have your 70 oranges 4 $.50!! Fantastic! LoL!

BUT I guess my first lesson is my best lesson. People will be people. Give 'em an inch and they'll take that inch and tell you last time you gave me foot and now they want a mile. To get through life sane you have to give til it hurts... Then STOP. otherwise there is resentment. But when the evils of the world get you down, just stop... Breathe... And realize no matter how nasty others are, it does not define you. You have to chose to be angry & nasty and only hurt yourself in the end. Or be at peace... And just look at them with pity and damn near KILL they ass!! Because grimmy ass people don't know how to deal with quiet, smiling indifference. :)

blessings, with hands together. {{Thats right.. I said it at the end. :p }}

Jen

I tried to post it on my BeliefNet site, but it ain't iPhone friendly. So I had to paste it here... Enjoy!






Well a year has passed since I was here and not much has changed. I haven't lost weight. Infact I'm totally at my fattest! Well, not fattest EVER, but still. I'm still searching for that path and I get a little closer everyday. I have a long way to go, but I am hopeful. I feel a good start is first stopping the hatred in my soul. Changing the way I see things & stop others from pointlessly flaming about stuff. Venting is great,  but not if you're sucking all the life outta the room. All the energy is wrapped up around your hateful rant. So I try to steer others clear of that and try to stay clear of it too. We're all human with emotions, but control and letting GO is the key to it all. 

Now if I can just get over this stomachache. It's getting better, but it's still pretty bad. 

If you don't mind reading mostly about babies and me trying to have one, you can follow me on Twitter. Just @BlackAngelP That'd be me. :p

BlackAngel