Thoughtfulness.

  Driving down the streets of The US, you see a lot of things that seem to be done just to drive you into a blinding rage. People driving way too slowly in the left (which is for passing, by the way.), tailgating, no cares for blinding oncoming and followed traffic with their highbeams. The list could go on and on! You wonder what kind of awful people these are, doing these things?! 

 Serial killers? Rapists? Child molesterers?!!!

  Well, maybe some are, but most are surprisingly just people like you and me. People just trying to make it the best way they know how. 

   Hard to believe, right? Believe me I know!!  It's hard for me to even see such unthoughtful demons as just regular people like myself! I always dim my lights and change lanes to let faster traffic pass! I always make sure to never enter the lane until I see the other car's headlights to make sure I'm not too close to them. 

  Always, right? Well except when I forget my brights are on... Or the rare occasion my mind wanders.... Or maybe I'll come in the lane sooner if another car is coming. Or I see an animal near the road... And I might have to use my brights while following on a particularly dark night. But that's all understandable!! Right? 

Yeah, right... 

  Thing is, all these ARE acceptable reasons. Because you see your actions 24/7. But when others meet you on the road after meeting 50 others blinding them with their highbeams, guess what? You join the ranks of the asshole drivers. Even if you've been extremely courteous to everyone on the road, others see this time. 

  They don't see you 24/7. They see you NOW. Blinding them with brights that seem to burn their retinae. 

  Ok, I know some people are bad drivers. Either not knowing better or just not caring. You can't really tell which from the outside. Just like in life. (Well driving is a part of life, but you get what I'm saying.) You can't really tell where a person is or has been. All you see is right now, and there is something to be said for that. If they are doing terrible things, they have chosen to do these awful things. And that is unfortunate. But imagine that somewhere along this path of life, that this could be YOU. I'm not saying they get a free pass. They made their choice, of course. I'm just saying think about it. They may have started out damn nearly SAINTS! Always doing the right thing. Always being courteous, helpful, generous.. And always being used and abused. Never receiving courtesy. Their kindness always taken for weakness. 

  And at the time when all these horrible things being done to them.. At the time to choose how they would proceed.. They chose to plunge into the depths of  anger, revenge, and coldness. Deep into Samsara's every indulgence. No longer strong enough to fight it. No longer willing to fight it. No desire to fight it. And so, you see the person that came out of that, and instinctively we hate it. Because it could be that dark side of any of us! 

  Think about it. Let's get back on the road. 

  I've blinded a driver back that was blinding me. It felt GREAT! But that's how it starts. Small and justified. And the anger still doesn't go away. Even in your moment of glorious revenge, you're still angry and looking for the next opportunity for revenge. We automatically start looking for behavior to punish. This can easily lead to being that same person you despise or fear. 

  We are all human with emotions, but we also have the ability to step back and think about what we are doing or about to do. It's never too late to change direction as long as we have our human existence! Man may never forgive what you have done, but it's never too late to do better. All it takes is taking "I" out of the situation. Take hurt feelings and feelings of "I deserve" out. It's true you deserve all the best, and as soon as you stop expecting everybody else to give it to you, you'll have that and more. You'll have peace. :)

Well, that's all for today's rambling. 

*With palms together, deepest bows*

Namaste. :)

~ Jen 

Thoughts..

As you may or may not know, I am completely loose haired now. I cut the last of the locs off last night. And I kinda botched the cut part.. I'm ok, and it's workable.. But my husband's reaction got me to thinking... (That's in my other blog here.)

Why kick a person when they're down? Lots of folks seem to enjoy doing it too.. I think I'm missing the point.. Or SOMETHING. I was just not born with a need to shoot a dead horse as it were. I mean, I'm not holier than THOU, as DH often puts it. But I do know that the right thing to do is try to make a person feel better when they are feeling down.. Not make them feel worse. Worst case scenerio, I'll help them come up with a solution while making what they are upset about not seem so bad.. That's the not only Christian/Muslim/Jewish- SPIRITUAL thing to do.. But the right thing to do. I mean, that's just what is SUPPOSED to be preprogrammed into our souls.. Into our very being to help a person in trouble.. But somewhere along the line, that became the stupid thing to do.. Let's just kick em when they're down. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

You see it all the time. A person who MAY have been high on the horse- or so you thought. Get's repremanded at work or loses their job, or home or car or whatever.. And people start being really mean to them about it. "That's what you get!" and "Serves her/him right." Now if the person was a jerk, it's still wrong to do that, but I feel ya.. I've been there. But never have I rubbed it in their faces when they are down. First I hate to see people cry. I hate to see suffering. Why in a world like this? I really don't know.. Good home training I guess. (Thanks Mom!)

Well, I am married to someone who loves to rub it in.. And I mean RUB IT IN DEEP.. Like, if you fell into a pool of lemon juice and broken glass as soon as you get out he'd sprinkle you with salt. Sometimes he borders on cruel.. At least with me.. Maybe he wants me to be tougher... No.... Because when I turn the tables (which I hate to do, but sometimes it does feel good when someone is really laying into you.) he gets mad.. So maybe he just wants me to use it on others.. Pass the pain. I can't... Sorry.. Maybe he wants to turn me away from others so I'll just turn to him... But when I do, if it's not what he wants to hear or talk about he gets mad... And makes me feel worse... So I just don't know.. Maybe he's been hurt so many times that he just has to hurt someone else.. And I'm the only one that won't bust a cap in his ass.. A safe place to pass pain..

Well, it's good he's getting his therapy.. But I'm suffering because of it. But then that really doesn't matter as long as he's happy I guess.. And in the end he's not happy either.. So why keep doing it. Maybe if he made me feel good, I'd make him feel great...

Which brings me to the lesson of the day, so to speak...

First don't say something because it's easy and obvious. Especially if it hurts others. Don't say mean things cause you can, or cause it will draw attention away from your flaws. In the end it just makes you look like an asshole.

If a person is feeling down, don't tell them how it's their fault that things are going wrong.. It doesn't help.

If your worse enemy loses their job, their home, their kids, their dog, husband/wife... Don't gloat. Justice has been served.. There's nothing left to be said. I have something I can pick on a few people about, but I don't. And I am not that awesome.. It just doesn't need to be told or said.

Think before you speak or act. Compassion should be your first goal. Not revenge. Before you seek revenge, consider this.. Just stay away from enemies.. Your hatred doesn't hurt them, it only hurts YOU.. And if it DOES hurt them... It's still just not worth the energy.

Be well, And blessed...


Jen

Mindfulness...

** Composed earlier.. Like 2 weeks ago. :)***


Everyone is wondering when there will be a Mini Angel. Not sure why, but everyone needs something to look forward to. Then again, these are MY coworkers. Pretty sure they just wanna see my "freedom" come to an end as theirs did years ago. Or want my baby to be ugly as homemade sin so they can talk about it. On the smaller end of that spectrum are the genuine well-wishers and ones who feel I should know the joy of motherhood. I thank them and pray the lord will bless them bountifully. :)

I haven't said anything to anyone about us trying to have a baby. I don't want to put that weakness out there. Not for these jackals. But occasionally I think they catch on that I really do want a child.... And occasionally they make comments that hurt. Like yesterday a coworker commented that my ability to and my lifting heavy things is why I can't have kids. I think she said it not meaning for it to hurt, as she's not really in the inner circle of.. Well I guess the INTERNET, that knows I'm currently TTC. The only face to face people who know is me, DH, and my sister right under me. DH is more if it happens it happens. I'm a WRECK. My sister is hopeful and supportive. 

Anyway, I joked off the comment with my ovaries being too strong or something. :p No one laughed really, but did seem relieved that I wasn't taking it too personally or started crying or anything awkward. But it shows just how easy it is to hurt your TTC friend's feelings just by joking and kidding around. Or your mentally challenged friend... Or your addict friend. Or your black or white or Indian (insert any race you like) friend. Or ANYONE'S for that matter. We need to be mindful of each others feelings. I know that's hard. I mess up too and say things that hurt. Like talking about a fat person (other than me) to a fat friend. Yeah, I've made that mistake. Mind you, I don't just go round talking bout overweight people- being one myself that would be asking for a flogging! But when one of my fat ass sisters or brothers pisses me off.. Well if it's right THERE. Shut up! You're gonna use it. Still I imagine she's like "Bitch, I'm fat too ya know...  And you ain't skinny either!!" LoL! So.. We've all gone there a time or two. But we should all work on thinking before we speak. Sure you may seem a little slow on the draw at first with all that thinking, but soon it will come naturally. 

These are changes I have to start working on as part of becoming a mom. I don't want my kid to be an insensitive jerk because his/her mother is an even BIGGER insensitive jerk!! That is not a good look. :p 

On the TTC front I asked my Dr. for something to regulate my cycle and the first thing he said was low dose birth control. I'm like if I wanted bc I could just do NOTHING. I know he was just trying to help. He's just a regular doctor after all not an ob/gyn. He gave me 2 months of Provera and a refill of my eczema medication, so I'm happy for now. I actually still have that clomid from before so if I wanted to give it the old college try again, I technically could. Nice to know I can just GO for it. But I'll save it a couple of cycles at least. I don't even know exactly where the pills ARE right now. So they have to be found and if you looked up pack rat in the dictionary there'd be a picture of me & DH smilin' like idiots. Probably be on the same page as a picture of me with the word "procrastinator" under it. So them pills prolly half way to NARNIA right now. :p But I will find them and we'll go from there. Who knows? I might be bakin' babies before this year's out!!! (Cross your fingers.... Cross 'eeeeeem...) 

Ok, I've rambled long enough. Be well everyone. I shall return.. :)

Jen

Turbo Jam

I started Turbo Jam Monday. I just tried it out Monday and officially started today. I'm trying to get in shape more than lose actual weight. Now I'm not relying on just the DVDs, I also bought a Bowflex and an elipical machine. I plan to plop em down right infront of the TV and work away!! The Bow Flex was mainly for hubby, but I plan to do a few reps myself, cause I've been getting a little weak. I gotta stay a strong chick ya know.

I decided to start using my Anucci scent in my hair again. I've loved it since I first bought it, but was on that coconut kick for a minute. But this relieves my stress and makes me feel good. Just takes me away. So I'll keep using it for a while..


Emotionally, I've been a wreck. I so badly want to get back to where I was about 2 years ago.. Maybe 2.5 years ago. I was losing weight. And I was so... At peace. So happy even with the things I wasn't happy with. I had ACCEPTANCE.. For the first time in my life. I truly accepted the things I could not change. I accepted the fact that other people were not my problem. And I couldn't change their minds.. That maybe they'll be terrible to me... But I had to decided everyday, to be good. That I could either be like them, or I could be on the side of good. And I chose good everyday I woke up to be good. Plain and simple. Hubby didn't really like the enlightened me. I was peaceful. Reserved. But I was telling him where he was going wrong. And I guess that rubbed him the wrong way. He thought I as being "high and mighty." His insult was callng me a "Priestess".. I didn't take offense. I am a Priestess, or at least I was studying to become one at one time. So I was cool with that. It was just that he thought that was an insult that told me to lay off him and his wrong doing. Then he got his wish to knock me off my "high horse". I won't go into details, but it was REALLY REALLY bad. And we had it out about it. And now, though we are still together. He brings it up anytime I have anything to say. And that gets old real fast. But I try to hold it together, but I've started lashing out lately. In some cases I have a right to. I'm human. I have feelings and emotions. But in a way, I don't because I did mess up. Bad. So I guess it's half and half. Sometimes I wish I had no emotions. No real feelings anyway. That way, they wouldn't get hurt.. And I wouldn't lash out and get fussed at or put in my place because of it.. I know, it's just a patch.. But you need a bandaid when you're trying to heal. Maybe I should practice being a bit less emotional. Learn to just let GO. If sometime upsets me, just breathe and bury that shit down as deep as I can. Unitl I'm in a good place and I can deal with them. I know that's not healthy, but it is FUNCTIONAL and that's what I need these days. To function.


So these are my exercises. I need to practice these things until they become second nature..


Know that people will hurt you. And they'll hurt each other. They'll hate each other and you. And do evil deeds..

But that has nothing to do with me. I choose to be good. And I will choose that path everyday when I wake up, and stand by it everyday when I go to bed.


That was the corner stone of my positivity, beleive it or not. Though it sounded negative, that took a LOT out of my hands and put blame where it was due. I did what I did, as did they.

Other people don't care how I'm feeling. They don't care if my feelings are hurt or if I'm pissed off at them. So why bother holding a grudge? I'd only be hurting myself, as they don't care one way or the other. If I hold anger, I'm just shortening my life and I'm the only one hurting. So just let that shit GO!

That was the second part.


This stuff sounds so negative.. But I was more positive than I'd been in my whole life. Then that bad stuff happened and it all went to shit. Well, it started going long before it hit the fan. It was like I just lost a little bit more of the happiness everyday. I really hate I did what I did. If I could go back in time.. I would not do it. I would run the other way. But I can' t go back. So all I can do is move on. Try to let the past be the past, though others will never leave your past in your past, but they want theirs buried. It's not fair, but I can't change that fact. If my past no longer bothers me, then it doesn't matter. And if anyone wants to hold on to it, well, I guess it makes them feel better.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Hopefully I'll have more to talk about next time. Oh and I lost a few inches. Well, not really... :p


Weight: 229
Measurements:
Bust: 42
Waist:38 (37.5 if I pull the tape tight. Still too big, I know.)
Hips: 48
Thighs: 26 (Not caring too much about the thights, but FYI, that's nearly the size I want my WAIST to be!!)


Tah.


Jen