Thoughtfulness.

  Driving down the streets of The US, you see a lot of things that seem to be done just to drive you into a blinding rage. People driving way too slowly in the left (which is for passing, by the way.), tailgating, no cares for blinding oncoming and followed traffic with their highbeams. The list could go on and on! You wonder what kind of awful people these are, doing these things?! 

 Serial killers? Rapists? Child molesterers?!!!

  Well, maybe some are, but most are surprisingly just people like you and me. People just trying to make it the best way they know how. 

   Hard to believe, right? Believe me I know!!  It's hard for me to even see such unthoughtful demons as just regular people like myself! I always dim my lights and change lanes to let faster traffic pass! I always make sure to never enter the lane until I see the other car's headlights to make sure I'm not too close to them. 

  Always, right? Well except when I forget my brights are on... Or the rare occasion my mind wanders.... Or maybe I'll come in the lane sooner if another car is coming. Or I see an animal near the road... And I might have to use my brights while following on a particularly dark night. But that's all understandable!! Right? 

Yeah, right... 

  Thing is, all these ARE acceptable reasons. Because you see your actions 24/7. But when others meet you on the road after meeting 50 others blinding them with their highbeams, guess what? You join the ranks of the asshole drivers. Even if you've been extremely courteous to everyone on the road, others see this time. 

  They don't see you 24/7. They see you NOW. Blinding them with brights that seem to burn their retinae. 

  Ok, I know some people are bad drivers. Either not knowing better or just not caring. You can't really tell which from the outside. Just like in life. (Well driving is a part of life, but you get what I'm saying.) You can't really tell where a person is or has been. All you see is right now, and there is something to be said for that. If they are doing terrible things, they have chosen to do these awful things. And that is unfortunate. But imagine that somewhere along this path of life, that this could be YOU. I'm not saying they get a free pass. They made their choice, of course. I'm just saying think about it. They may have started out damn nearly SAINTS! Always doing the right thing. Always being courteous, helpful, generous.. And always being used and abused. Never receiving courtesy. Their kindness always taken for weakness. 

  And at the time when all these horrible things being done to them.. At the time to choose how they would proceed.. They chose to plunge into the depths of  anger, revenge, and coldness. Deep into Samsara's every indulgence. No longer strong enough to fight it. No longer willing to fight it. No desire to fight it. And so, you see the person that came out of that, and instinctively we hate it. Because it could be that dark side of any of us! 

  Think about it. Let's get back on the road. 

  I've blinded a driver back that was blinding me. It felt GREAT! But that's how it starts. Small and justified. And the anger still doesn't go away. Even in your moment of glorious revenge, you're still angry and looking for the next opportunity for revenge. We automatically start looking for behavior to punish. This can easily lead to being that same person you despise or fear. 

  We are all human with emotions, but we also have the ability to step back and think about what we are doing or about to do. It's never too late to change direction as long as we have our human existence! Man may never forgive what you have done, but it's never too late to do better. All it takes is taking "I" out of the situation. Take hurt feelings and feelings of "I deserve" out. It's true you deserve all the best, and as soon as you stop expecting everybody else to give it to you, you'll have that and more. You'll have peace. :)

Well, that's all for today's rambling. 

*With palms together, deepest bows*

Namaste. :)

~ Jen 

Mindfulness...

** Composed earlier.. Like 2 weeks ago. :)***


Everyone is wondering when there will be a Mini Angel. Not sure why, but everyone needs something to look forward to. Then again, these are MY coworkers. Pretty sure they just wanna see my "freedom" come to an end as theirs did years ago. Or want my baby to be ugly as homemade sin so they can talk about it. On the smaller end of that spectrum are the genuine well-wishers and ones who feel I should know the joy of motherhood. I thank them and pray the lord will bless them bountifully. :)

I haven't said anything to anyone about us trying to have a baby. I don't want to put that weakness out there. Not for these jackals. But occasionally I think they catch on that I really do want a child.... And occasionally they make comments that hurt. Like yesterday a coworker commented that my ability to and my lifting heavy things is why I can't have kids. I think she said it not meaning for it to hurt, as she's not really in the inner circle of.. Well I guess the INTERNET, that knows I'm currently TTC. The only face to face people who know is me, DH, and my sister right under me. DH is more if it happens it happens. I'm a WRECK. My sister is hopeful and supportive. 

Anyway, I joked off the comment with my ovaries being too strong or something. :p No one laughed really, but did seem relieved that I wasn't taking it too personally or started crying or anything awkward. But it shows just how easy it is to hurt your TTC friend's feelings just by joking and kidding around. Or your mentally challenged friend... Or your addict friend. Or your black or white or Indian (insert any race you like) friend. Or ANYONE'S for that matter. We need to be mindful of each others feelings. I know that's hard. I mess up too and say things that hurt. Like talking about a fat person (other than me) to a fat friend. Yeah, I've made that mistake. Mind you, I don't just go round talking bout overweight people- being one myself that would be asking for a flogging! But when one of my fat ass sisters or brothers pisses me off.. Well if it's right THERE. Shut up! You're gonna use it. Still I imagine she's like "Bitch, I'm fat too ya know...  And you ain't skinny either!!" LoL! So.. We've all gone there a time or two. But we should all work on thinking before we speak. Sure you may seem a little slow on the draw at first with all that thinking, but soon it will come naturally. 

These are changes I have to start working on as part of becoming a mom. I don't want my kid to be an insensitive jerk because his/her mother is an even BIGGER insensitive jerk!! That is not a good look. :p 

On the TTC front I asked my Dr. for something to regulate my cycle and the first thing he said was low dose birth control. I'm like if I wanted bc I could just do NOTHING. I know he was just trying to help. He's just a regular doctor after all not an ob/gyn. He gave me 2 months of Provera and a refill of my eczema medication, so I'm happy for now. I actually still have that clomid from before so if I wanted to give it the old college try again, I technically could. Nice to know I can just GO for it. But I'll save it a couple of cycles at least. I don't even know exactly where the pills ARE right now. So they have to be found and if you looked up pack rat in the dictionary there'd be a picture of me & DH smilin' like idiots. Probably be on the same page as a picture of me with the word "procrastinator" under it. So them pills prolly half way to NARNIA right now. :p But I will find them and we'll go from there. Who knows? I might be bakin' babies before this year's out!!! (Cross your fingers.... Cross 'eeeeeem...) 

Ok, I've rambled long enough. Be well everyone. I shall return.. :)

Jen