Perspective

Today, I'm really rambling so bear with me if you can. LoL! 

  I was driving to work this morning and got to thinking. Well, actually I've had this thought many times before. 

  I wonder how do insects see us? Like the creepy crawlies. Roaches and what not. I mean, they are only toe height, so there is no way they can see us in our entirety. So they just see parts of us. A toe, a finger, and most often the bottom of what must look like a MOUNTAIN coming down on top of them when they get stomped. I imagine the whole thing is very scary indeed. I can't even imagine their world as my own!! 

   Then it makes you wonder.. What are WE seeing?! Are we seeing everything or just bits and pieces. What if there is some giant being wearing us around it's neck in a little sphere. What we think is the sky is in fact her/his shirt. Or skin even. It can be ANYTHING! We go up in space, but who knows?! Maybe that's It's world. Maybe even THAT vastness is just the being's skin or clothing! How frightening that would be for us! 

  Of course there is no proof of this.

   But maybe there is a tiny roach trying to convince his fellow roaches that the toe is a part of a whole larger thing. A LIVING one at that! They must think he's insane! LoL! No creature could be THAT big!! 

  But here we are. Goliaths compared to them. So it's not inpossible that WE are living on some colossal being. 

  Just a thought. :)

Namaste. Peaceful blessing. _/|\_

  

Starting Your Day On a Positive Note.

* This was written last Saturday, but didn't upload properly. *

  This morning I woke up. This was a good thing. So every morning you wake up, give thanks and feel blessed that today is a chance to begin anew. _/|\_

  That being said, today I want to rambling about how we start our day and the role others play in that. 

  This morning AFTER I woke up, obviously I wasn't ecstatic anyway.. It is a work day, which is where I am as I write this. I felt blessed to be alive but, not extremely excited to be waking up at 3am. But, I'm thankful to have income and to be alive and fairly able bodied to earn that income. So, I pushed on. 

  Well today, DH was apparently craving news of what's going on in the world today. Something to do I guess. But every story was a bout murder!! And of course due to sheer proximity, guess who he felt the need to pass on this news to? Yep, I had won the crap lotto! 

  Tales of murders at a celebration, a mother killing her daughter for her trust fund- her INFANT daughter! Then there was a lighter side, some guy from TV depleting the ginseng supply on some mountain and making a fortune off of it. (In other words: greed.) Needless to say my mood and happiness quickly began to slide downhill. Eventually I just told him, no one wants to start their day with bad news. I assume he got the point. Unable to find any good news, he left that topic alone. 

  The point of this is you sometimes have to tell people to just ease up on the sharing! Of course you need to know what is going on - with your family and the world.. But not 24/7. The start of your day is the most important part of your day. It sets your mood for the day. Start bad or depressed or worried and you will have a hard time coming up out of that funk. You don't have to live in a hole, just time your worldly news properly. :) It's not always possible, but when it is (say your husband reading morbid headlines) don't hesitate to say "not yet.." :)

Namaste. Blessings and peace be with you. _/|\_

~Jen

Thoughtfulness.

  Driving down the streets of The US, you see a lot of things that seem to be done just to drive you into a blinding rage. People driving way too slowly in the left (which is for passing, by the way.), tailgating, no cares for blinding oncoming and followed traffic with their highbeams. The list could go on and on! You wonder what kind of awful people these are, doing these things?! 

 Serial killers? Rapists? Child molesterers?!!!

  Well, maybe some are, but most are surprisingly just people like you and me. People just trying to make it the best way they know how. 

   Hard to believe, right? Believe me I know!!  It's hard for me to even see such unthoughtful demons as just regular people like myself! I always dim my lights and change lanes to let faster traffic pass! I always make sure to never enter the lane until I see the other car's headlights to make sure I'm not too close to them. 

  Always, right? Well except when I forget my brights are on... Or the rare occasion my mind wanders.... Or maybe I'll come in the lane sooner if another car is coming. Or I see an animal near the road... And I might have to use my brights while following on a particularly dark night. But that's all understandable!! Right? 

Yeah, right... 

  Thing is, all these ARE acceptable reasons. Because you see your actions 24/7. But when others meet you on the road after meeting 50 others blinding them with their highbeams, guess what? You join the ranks of the asshole drivers. Even if you've been extremely courteous to everyone on the road, others see this time. 

  They don't see you 24/7. They see you NOW. Blinding them with brights that seem to burn their retinae. 

  Ok, I know some people are bad drivers. Either not knowing better or just not caring. You can't really tell which from the outside. Just like in life. (Well driving is a part of life, but you get what I'm saying.) You can't really tell where a person is or has been. All you see is right now, and there is something to be said for that. If they are doing terrible things, they have chosen to do these awful things. And that is unfortunate. But imagine that somewhere along this path of life, that this could be YOU. I'm not saying they get a free pass. They made their choice, of course. I'm just saying think about it. They may have started out damn nearly SAINTS! Always doing the right thing. Always being courteous, helpful, generous.. And always being used and abused. Never receiving courtesy. Their kindness always taken for weakness. 

  And at the time when all these horrible things being done to them.. At the time to choose how they would proceed.. They chose to plunge into the depths of  anger, revenge, and coldness. Deep into Samsara's every indulgence. No longer strong enough to fight it. No longer willing to fight it. No desire to fight it. And so, you see the person that came out of that, and instinctively we hate it. Because it could be that dark side of any of us! 

  Think about it. Let's get back on the road. 

  I've blinded a driver back that was blinding me. It felt GREAT! But that's how it starts. Small and justified. And the anger still doesn't go away. Even in your moment of glorious revenge, you're still angry and looking for the next opportunity for revenge. We automatically start looking for behavior to punish. This can easily lead to being that same person you despise or fear. 

  We are all human with emotions, but we also have the ability to step back and think about what we are doing or about to do. It's never too late to change direction as long as we have our human existence! Man may never forgive what you have done, but it's never too late to do better. All it takes is taking "I" out of the situation. Take hurt feelings and feelings of "I deserve" out. It's true you deserve all the best, and as soon as you stop expecting everybody else to give it to you, you'll have that and more. You'll have peace. :)

Well, that's all for today's rambling. 

*With palms together, deepest bows*

Namaste. :)

~ Jen 

Sometimes...

  Sometimes deeper thought is necessary. Even when things seem cut and dry. 

  This new job I have, it pays the bills. Which a job should do. If it didn't, who'd keep it, right? The pay is pretty good. But something just doesn't feel right. I mean, it's probably a great company with wonderful benefits and all that. But since I got here, I felt like a fish out of water. Like nothing is a fit. I just feel... Outside is the best word I can come up with. LoL! Nothing fits, nothing's comfortable. Even the equipment doesn't fit me! The hats are too small, the safety shields are a terrible fit... Things that everyone else can do fairly well, cause me pain.. There is getting use to it, but there is a point where you just have to say, "This is as good as it gets. So whatever comes next comes. " 

  I was so worked up about potentially getting passed up for a permanent position here before. But the more I see the more I realize that it's not that I'm not the same person I was the first time I came here- well, I have more experience and I am more cautious, so I guess I've changed a little- the issue is this place has changed. And not to the good. Constant tweaking has lead to an environment of "blame the other guy, just get it off of MY back!" And that leads to the same thing you have in the "lesser" companies. But with more soul crushing stress. 

Maybe I'm on the wrong side of the plant. They do have shipping here. I'd have to learn to drive a forklift, but that's something I want to do anyway. I don't have a problem with "rules", but this is just.... It's not "good stress". And the more I see, the less I worry about staying on. 

  And that is comforting. I actually feel BETTER in that mindset. I had expectations when I started working here. And I think I set myself up for disappointment. And I think that is a pattern in my life and why life has been so unfulfilling. Expectation can go two ways- you get what you want EXACTLY and you're happy and justified! God has smiled upon me!!! But more often than not you only get part of it, or it's not what you thought it would be, or more likely you don't get it at all. And then comes the soul-crushing depression! Making you hate you ever had hope. 

  Hope is nice, but expectation is the devil! You set yourself up on the ledge of a 100 story building and blindly walk that ledge. More than likely, you'll lose your footing and fall to your death!

  I'd never say lose "hope". But don't expect anything. Go through life with no expectations and you will never be disappointed. Hope for the best, but don't expect it. :)It's all a part of letting go of attachments. And that's what true peace is all about. Doing what you CAN, but letting life just happen. And accepting it. You can't control it. So, sit back and watch the show. :) 

Namaste. Peace and blessings be with you. _/|\_

~Jen

Physician, You CAN Heal Thy Self!

If you're willing to take your own advice, that is. 

  Do much has happened since I last posted here. I notice I have a lot of posts about general life, which is ok I guess. But I want more inspirational posts. Teachings, things of that nature. But I guess life does teach us best of all. 

  I've just begun a new job that is temporary with the potential to become permanent. Well I started out very optimistic. First the temporary side didn't bother me at all. A lay off means unemployment so I'll still survive until next season, which I planned to reapply. So I was great. 

  Then they started "placing" some of the temps, but I was still basically a floor person. A general worker. Well, I still AM! They placed one young lady, who quit and I think tried to place another young lady who also quit. Now they are training a young guy. He's doing pretty good. I'm glad that he is, but it makes me wonder.. What am I doing that is so wrong that they aren't trying to place me? This place is a great place to work, don't get me wrong. They are a little "nit-picky" but still, beats a chicken processing plant. It seems they thought I'd be this great "hope" for the company. But seems all I've done is mediocre at best. Seems every time I get on a line, my performance is "ok" at best. I have a lot of support, but not the higher ups. I seem to have fallen out of favor with them. 

  Well, I say life teaches you like no other can. And what this teaches is how others have felt around me. Since I knew a chicken plant up and down, I always seemed like a "genius" of chicken (crazy!) when it was actually just years of experience. Still I'm sure I've made some one feel useless before, and to them and the universe, I say I am deeply sorry. This pain sucks. Mainly because of vanity. Which is something to move away from anyway, so it's kinda irrelevant. Just something else to work on. 

  Well, after DH rubbing it in that I MUST be doing something wrong, which maybe I'm not lending myself completely to the company, I feel WORSE! More so, every time I'm on the lines something happens to go wrong and of course it just looks like I am failing miserably. I'm sure when the season is over, I will likely be laid off. 

  And that is the problem. I'm worrying about it. So much that I CANT do my job, that I can't relax or join in conversations or meetings. I'm so stuck, making it worse and look worse. I feel sunk. 

  Well today, I decided I was going to blog these feelings. I mean, might help someone, right ? And I happened upon one of my old posts called "Life Changing Dream". I won't go into detail, but basically I was in a very difficult situation and I kept running and screaming for help. Finally I was told to "just stop running. Stop and trust in God. Just have faith." And things resolved themselves. Everything was fine. 

  Ok, I know you have to do "the work", but all the worrying and planning and uncertainty will just cause you to shut down. Like I've been doing. 

  So, I picked my self up, dusted myself off and said life is uncertain! That can't stop me from living. And if I'm going to be a Floater damn it I'm going to be the best I can be and let whatever may come, come in time. I already have enough to worry about without adding this to it. Things will work out one way or the other. How is none of my business. :) 

Namaste. :)

~Jen

Thoughts..

As you may or may not know, I am completely loose haired now. I cut the last of the locs off last night. And I kinda botched the cut part.. I'm ok, and it's workable.. But my husband's reaction got me to thinking... (That's in my other blog here.)

Why kick a person when they're down? Lots of folks seem to enjoy doing it too.. I think I'm missing the point.. Or SOMETHING. I was just not born with a need to shoot a dead horse as it were. I mean, I'm not holier than THOU, as DH often puts it. But I do know that the right thing to do is try to make a person feel better when they are feeling down.. Not make them feel worse. Worst case scenerio, I'll help them come up with a solution while making what they are upset about not seem so bad.. That's the not only Christian/Muslim/Jewish- SPIRITUAL thing to do.. But the right thing to do. I mean, that's just what is SUPPOSED to be preprogrammed into our souls.. Into our very being to help a person in trouble.. But somewhere along the line, that became the stupid thing to do.. Let's just kick em when they're down. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

You see it all the time. A person who MAY have been high on the horse- or so you thought. Get's repremanded at work or loses their job, or home or car or whatever.. And people start being really mean to them about it. "That's what you get!" and "Serves her/him right." Now if the person was a jerk, it's still wrong to do that, but I feel ya.. I've been there. But never have I rubbed it in their faces when they are down. First I hate to see people cry. I hate to see suffering. Why in a world like this? I really don't know.. Good home training I guess. (Thanks Mom!)

Well, I am married to someone who loves to rub it in.. And I mean RUB IT IN DEEP.. Like, if you fell into a pool of lemon juice and broken glass as soon as you get out he'd sprinkle you with salt. Sometimes he borders on cruel.. At least with me.. Maybe he wants me to be tougher... No.... Because when I turn the tables (which I hate to do, but sometimes it does feel good when someone is really laying into you.) he gets mad.. So maybe he just wants me to use it on others.. Pass the pain. I can't... Sorry.. Maybe he wants to turn me away from others so I'll just turn to him... But when I do, if it's not what he wants to hear or talk about he gets mad... And makes me feel worse... So I just don't know.. Maybe he's been hurt so many times that he just has to hurt someone else.. And I'm the only one that won't bust a cap in his ass.. A safe place to pass pain..

Well, it's good he's getting his therapy.. But I'm suffering because of it. But then that really doesn't matter as long as he's happy I guess.. And in the end he's not happy either.. So why keep doing it. Maybe if he made me feel good, I'd make him feel great...

Which brings me to the lesson of the day, so to speak...

First don't say something because it's easy and obvious. Especially if it hurts others. Don't say mean things cause you can, or cause it will draw attention away from your flaws. In the end it just makes you look like an asshole.

If a person is feeling down, don't tell them how it's their fault that things are going wrong.. It doesn't help.

If your worse enemy loses their job, their home, their kids, their dog, husband/wife... Don't gloat. Justice has been served.. There's nothing left to be said. I have something I can pick on a few people about, but I don't. And I am not that awesome.. It just doesn't need to be told or said.

Think before you speak or act. Compassion should be your first goal. Not revenge. Before you seek revenge, consider this.. Just stay away from enemies.. Your hatred doesn't hurt them, it only hurts YOU.. And if it DOES hurt them... It's still just not worth the energy.

Be well, And blessed...


Jen

Mindfulness...

** Composed earlier.. Like 2 weeks ago. :)***


Everyone is wondering when there will be a Mini Angel. Not sure why, but everyone needs something to look forward to. Then again, these are MY coworkers. Pretty sure they just wanna see my "freedom" come to an end as theirs did years ago. Or want my baby to be ugly as homemade sin so they can talk about it. On the smaller end of that spectrum are the genuine well-wishers and ones who feel I should know the joy of motherhood. I thank them and pray the lord will bless them bountifully. :)

I haven't said anything to anyone about us trying to have a baby. I don't want to put that weakness out there. Not for these jackals. But occasionally I think they catch on that I really do want a child.... And occasionally they make comments that hurt. Like yesterday a coworker commented that my ability to and my lifting heavy things is why I can't have kids. I think she said it not meaning for it to hurt, as she's not really in the inner circle of.. Well I guess the INTERNET, that knows I'm currently TTC. The only face to face people who know is me, DH, and my sister right under me. DH is more if it happens it happens. I'm a WRECK. My sister is hopeful and supportive. 

Anyway, I joked off the comment with my ovaries being too strong or something. :p No one laughed really, but did seem relieved that I wasn't taking it too personally or started crying or anything awkward. But it shows just how easy it is to hurt your TTC friend's feelings just by joking and kidding around. Or your mentally challenged friend... Or your addict friend. Or your black or white or Indian (insert any race you like) friend. Or ANYONE'S for that matter. We need to be mindful of each others feelings. I know that's hard. I mess up too and say things that hurt. Like talking about a fat person (other than me) to a fat friend. Yeah, I've made that mistake. Mind you, I don't just go round talking bout overweight people- being one myself that would be asking for a flogging! But when one of my fat ass sisters or brothers pisses me off.. Well if it's right THERE. Shut up! You're gonna use it. Still I imagine she's like "Bitch, I'm fat too ya know...  And you ain't skinny either!!" LoL! So.. We've all gone there a time or two. But we should all work on thinking before we speak. Sure you may seem a little slow on the draw at first with all that thinking, but soon it will come naturally. 

These are changes I have to start working on as part of becoming a mom. I don't want my kid to be an insensitive jerk because his/her mother is an even BIGGER insensitive jerk!! That is not a good look. :p 

On the TTC front I asked my Dr. for something to regulate my cycle and the first thing he said was low dose birth control. I'm like if I wanted bc I could just do NOTHING. I know he was just trying to help. He's just a regular doctor after all not an ob/gyn. He gave me 2 months of Provera and a refill of my eczema medication, so I'm happy for now. I actually still have that clomid from before so if I wanted to give it the old college try again, I technically could. Nice to know I can just GO for it. But I'll save it a couple of cycles at least. I don't even know exactly where the pills ARE right now. So they have to be found and if you looked up pack rat in the dictionary there'd be a picture of me & DH smilin' like idiots. Probably be on the same page as a picture of me with the word "procrastinator" under it. So them pills prolly half way to NARNIA right now. :p But I will find them and we'll go from there. Who knows? I might be bakin' babies before this year's out!!! (Cross your fingers.... Cross 'eeeeeem...) 

Ok, I've rambled long enough. Be well everyone. I shall return.. :)

Jen