Sometimes...

  Sometimes deeper thought is necessary. Even when things seem cut and dry. 

  This new job I have, it pays the bills. Which a job should do. If it didn't, who'd keep it, right? The pay is pretty good. But something just doesn't feel right. I mean, it's probably a great company with wonderful benefits and all that. But since I got here, I felt like a fish out of water. Like nothing is a fit. I just feel... Outside is the best word I can come up with. LoL! Nothing fits, nothing's comfortable. Even the equipment doesn't fit me! The hats are too small, the safety shields are a terrible fit... Things that everyone else can do fairly well, cause me pain.. There is getting use to it, but there is a point where you just have to say, "This is as good as it gets. So whatever comes next comes. " 

  I was so worked up about potentially getting passed up for a permanent position here before. But the more I see the more I realize that it's not that I'm not the same person I was the first time I came here- well, I have more experience and I am more cautious, so I guess I've changed a little- the issue is this place has changed. And not to the good. Constant tweaking has lead to an environment of "blame the other guy, just get it off of MY back!" And that leads to the same thing you have in the "lesser" companies. But with more soul crushing stress. 

Maybe I'm on the wrong side of the plant. They do have shipping here. I'd have to learn to drive a forklift, but that's something I want to do anyway. I don't have a problem with "rules", but this is just.... It's not "good stress". And the more I see, the less I worry about staying on. 

  And that is comforting. I actually feel BETTER in that mindset. I had expectations when I started working here. And I think I set myself up for disappointment. And I think that is a pattern in my life and why life has been so unfulfilling. Expectation can go two ways- you get what you want EXACTLY and you're happy and justified! God has smiled upon me!!! But more often than not you only get part of it, or it's not what you thought it would be, or more likely you don't get it at all. And then comes the soul-crushing depression! Making you hate you ever had hope. 

  Hope is nice, but expectation is the devil! You set yourself up on the ledge of a 100 story building and blindly walk that ledge. More than likely, you'll lose your footing and fall to your death!

  I'd never say lose "hope". But don't expect anything. Go through life with no expectations and you will never be disappointed. Hope for the best, but don't expect it. :)It's all a part of letting go of attachments. And that's what true peace is all about. Doing what you CAN, but letting life just happen. And accepting it. You can't control it. So, sit back and watch the show. :) 

Namaste. Peace and blessings be with you. _/|\_

~Jen

Physician, You CAN Heal Thy Self!

If you're willing to take your own advice, that is. 

  Do much has happened since I last posted here. I notice I have a lot of posts about general life, which is ok I guess. But I want more inspirational posts. Teachings, things of that nature. But I guess life does teach us best of all. 

  I've just begun a new job that is temporary with the potential to become permanent. Well I started out very optimistic. First the temporary side didn't bother me at all. A lay off means unemployment so I'll still survive until next season, which I planned to reapply. So I was great. 

  Then they started "placing" some of the temps, but I was still basically a floor person. A general worker. Well, I still AM! They placed one young lady, who quit and I think tried to place another young lady who also quit. Now they are training a young guy. He's doing pretty good. I'm glad that he is, but it makes me wonder.. What am I doing that is so wrong that they aren't trying to place me? This place is a great place to work, don't get me wrong. They are a little "nit-picky" but still, beats a chicken processing plant. It seems they thought I'd be this great "hope" for the company. But seems all I've done is mediocre at best. Seems every time I get on a line, my performance is "ok" at best. I have a lot of support, but not the higher ups. I seem to have fallen out of favor with them. 

  Well, I say life teaches you like no other can. And what this teaches is how others have felt around me. Since I knew a chicken plant up and down, I always seemed like a "genius" of chicken (crazy!) when it was actually just years of experience. Still I'm sure I've made some one feel useless before, and to them and the universe, I say I am deeply sorry. This pain sucks. Mainly because of vanity. Which is something to move away from anyway, so it's kinda irrelevant. Just something else to work on. 

  Well, after DH rubbing it in that I MUST be doing something wrong, which maybe I'm not lending myself completely to the company, I feel WORSE! More so, every time I'm on the lines something happens to go wrong and of course it just looks like I am failing miserably. I'm sure when the season is over, I will likely be laid off. 

  And that is the problem. I'm worrying about it. So much that I CANT do my job, that I can't relax or join in conversations or meetings. I'm so stuck, making it worse and look worse. I feel sunk. 

  Well today, I decided I was going to blog these feelings. I mean, might help someone, right ? And I happened upon one of my old posts called "Life Changing Dream". I won't go into detail, but basically I was in a very difficult situation and I kept running and screaming for help. Finally I was told to "just stop running. Stop and trust in God. Just have faith." And things resolved themselves. Everything was fine. 

  Ok, I know you have to do "the work", but all the worrying and planning and uncertainty will just cause you to shut down. Like I've been doing. 

  So, I picked my self up, dusted myself off and said life is uncertain! That can't stop me from living. And if I'm going to be a Floater damn it I'm going to be the best I can be and let whatever may come, come in time. I already have enough to worry about without adding this to it. Things will work out one way or the other. How is none of my business. :) 

Namaste. :)

~Jen